Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
