who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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