Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize