My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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