Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
