mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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