I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
