Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
