operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
