just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
