so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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