Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
