She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
