fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
