did you get engaged???
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
