Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
