That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
