if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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