Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
