Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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