I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
