A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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