So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
