I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize