I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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