he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
