Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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