He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
