girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
