covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
