if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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