I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
