i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i've created a new STD.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
