He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
