Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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