Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
