In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
