At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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