i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
