He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
