i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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