i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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