you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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