You smell like a Billy Joel song
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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