What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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