omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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