Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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