My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
