I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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