You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
