I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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