the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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