I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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