I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
