I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need to calm my uterus...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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