the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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