if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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