my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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