i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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