I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I need water and some morals
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
