my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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