There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize