it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
