I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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