One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
