he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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