Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
