hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
