Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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