I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
