I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize