mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found the puke drawer
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
