i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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