I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
